The scene was set. The bar staff had decorated The Coach House and sealed the doors. The only way in was by a secret code. The lights dimmed. The music set. And of course, there was absolutely no alcohol officer ... none!

The team had gone through their paces. Singing - perfect. Cocktails - perfect. Entertainment - perfect. The secret code ... well, secret of course. The team were ready for the evening. And yes officer, still no alcohol!

So the guests arrived. Not sure how they knew the secret code - but they did. Any names? Of course not officer! Bugsy, Ratface, Driller the Killer, et al were there - but real names, sorry no officer. And in any case, they have all gone to the wind - even Bez to Singapore to escape your clutches, officer.

As for the owner, Micky? Not seen him since that Santa guy turned up officer. Honest! Santa turns up and Micky disappears! What's his surname? No, not Spillane and definitely not Cohen. What does it matter? Santa is the new guy in town.

As for the singer Jess, what a gal officer. She'll be back, am sure. She's got the old razzle dazzle that everyone remembers - everyone. You want that poster up in the bar officer? Sure, that is sure one mean lady! Wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of her officer.

A brilliant night was had by all. Micky is now planning his next themed night. Any suggestions? Please email pub.manager@theswanwindsor.co.uk with any ideas. Thanks in advance.